Some days the pair of you moan and moan:
The weather, each other, your stupid home.
It's amazing the arguments don't get bitchin
Enough to pull knives from your stupid kitchen.

If it all falls apart planet earth wouldn't die.
The rain might continue, your parents might sigh
But nobody really cares very much
If you stay or you go: they don't give a fuck.

But if you split I'll be there to help.
You might, on announcing, hear a faint little yelp
As I take a long shower, tidy my flat
And rejoin the gym to burn off my fat.

If you feel somewhat overwhelmed by the mess:
The paperwork's getting you down and the stress
Is burying you under massive black weights
I'll be there to assure you it's never too late.

When the clouds bubble up and the stars stop shining,
Forget their lazy and tedious whining.
You know you can trust me to always be 'round
Whenever there might be a hug to be found.

Cos if you split I'll be over the moon:
I've waited for yonks in a puddle of gloom
For the pair of you to give it a rest.
In the league chart of news, this is up with the best.

If negotiations keep breaking down -
They want it all, the ridiculous clown -
Press a few buttons, buzz me in.
From where I'm standing it's win win win.

If you split it's party time.
Each of you's welcome to come 'round mine.
Together or separate, I woudn't care
Cos if you split I'll be right in there.

When the shit hits the fan I'll clean up your wall
Cos it's probably me that started it all.
Yeah if you split I'm really not sure
Which of your numbers I'd be asking for.