if you want a stalker
or a bit of a porker
to buy you a beer
i'm over here.
if you need a favour
or a suicide saviour
to talk you down
i'll be right 'round.

if you fancy something
that's not the done thing
and need to confess,
or hear an opinion of your dress,
i'll help you gently destress.

if you want some ginger
but not such a whinger,
someone to blame
or to drown in shame,
i'll shut my trap
while you lie on my lap
and ignore me
as you watch cheap tv.

if you fancy someone
who's not always fun,
or want to discuss
the reasons why you're furious,
i'll listen without any fuss.

if you want to pop by
to break down and cry,
a sympathy day
or have something to say,
well i'll still be here
wishing i were there
bringing up the rear
wishing it were bare.

if you fancy somewhat
attempting to blot
out the bad memories,
you don't even need please,
i'll crawl there on my knees.

if you want flabby flesh,
our bodies to mesh,
a lust idiot,
the night to be hot,
i'm burning in hell:
i want you to tell
me what you're feeling;
pain, love, everything.

if you fancy six weeks
looking down on the creeks,
inventing dual futures
as mutually benficial tutors
we can sew each other's psycho sutures.

if you want complete quiet
to stick to your diet
or eat utter posion
with maximum noise on,
i'm more than happy
to field all your crappy
compaints and pain
as you offload your brain.

if you fancy some more
of that stuff from before:
walking confessions
and snack-based life lessons,
sign right here, put that shimmering dress on,
look far ahead, take my arm, let's press on.