Dateline? No, it's such a cliche.
Classifieds? Yuk. So lower class.
Shall we try the collar and leash, eh?
How about some of that internet ass?

From broomsticks to cucumbers, test-tubes and mice;
With ropes and shackles, I've seen the lot,
The fairies, the hairies, the sins and the vice.
All the perversions I haven't yet got.

Pass me the printer, here's one for a frame.
She's showing us all, though there's not much to hide.
She calls herself Mary, but that's not her name.
Still, if she knocked, I'd invite her inside.

They probably think I'm a dirty old man.
Well that's what aloneliness does to a soul
When he's lived like a hermit as best as he can
With no-one to cuddle, to kiss or cajole.

A's been wonderful, keeping me clean.
Her guidance has value beyond my excess.
But it's back to the screen, to hunt for my queen.
It's back to the net, to find a princess.